Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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