I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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