Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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