STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick