The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"