I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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