Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
