wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
