i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
