Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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