I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize