I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize