She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
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Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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