I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
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I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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