The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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