she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
