I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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