Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
smell my finger.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You are the jesus of drinking
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
