I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
