i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
