She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
