I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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