I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
