Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize