Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
