Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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