I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize