I didn't shave. On purpose
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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