Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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