Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I will be naked everywhere
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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