im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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