you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
