All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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