my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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