Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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