There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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