Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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