Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
