I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
