I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
