Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
