I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
