I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
