I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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