I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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