Need sex. Gaining weight.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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