does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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