Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
