The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
