its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
