ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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