she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
