Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being pregnant is like rehab
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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