I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
