So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
