So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
