Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
