I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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