I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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