This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
